Dealing with Unrequited Crush :drafted

It is 2015 and i am reviewing my posts, deleting the unclear and too personal rants. Then i found this old post  in draft and i thought i want to cherish this post. This determination. So here it is. oh, Fyi, i totally got over him.



Again, this is another diary entry. I wrote this so that one day I can reread and smile remembering my feelings at this moment. If Blogger doesn't ever suddenly delete this blog, that is. :)
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Sad but yeah, recently I just have experienced having my first serious unrequited crush. Why serious? This time the feeling developed within my three weeks of being in the same space with him was quite deep and i've been having a hard time to get over it.

I even considered confessing to him so that I would get an outright rejection. Surely direct rejection will make me get over him, I thought.
One friend gave green light to this idea. Another friend not so much, because girls don't confess, you know. Boys do that, not girls. Some boys hate aggressive girls. When i explained that the purpose is as above, i.e. to get over him, she said reluctantly i could try. He he
Truth is, although i believe there is nothing wrong with girls confessing, I did not have enough courage to do it. Ha! I could not muster the strength to face a rejection. :D
Boys are much much better at coping with rejection than girls, I assume. That's why they're the ones who mostly do the confessing. He he.

Finally, after some three weeks from the last meeting with him, I posted this on my FB:
'will forget him tomorrow. I'm 90% over my unrequited crush so i think tomorrow my heart will be free.'
Or something like that. I don't really remember anymore the exact words and the post was deleted on the said tomorrow after serving its purpose.

I posted it to seal my promise to my self. If I tell people, i won't back down from the plan.

It worked. I am over him 99,9% now.
I'll just let the 0,1 % of the crush die through time. Time heals all wounds, right?
And he, my crush, had never shown any interest in me at all. No secretly-staring-at-me. No effort to talk to me. So my crush is a lost cause and I'm not that stubborn to hang on to a lost cause. :D
It'll die in no time. ;)

Me and Differentiated Instruction

I've been practicing dancing a traditional dance with another four friends as a part of a culture night in a course for South East Asian teachers. (The course itself is about differentiated instruction for high school mathematics teachers.) Tonight, on our last rehearsal, it structs me that I am forcing my way of learning to my fellow dancers.

Tomorrow night is the culture night and we are still not coordinated well in several moves, especially the last one. I was a bit worried so in the afternoon before the rehearsal I analyzed the song in the last part and I've got the cue to the rhytm and tempo. In the rehearsal, we kept being discoordinated and I became a little bit frustrated. I then asked my 4 partners to practice the last part only, one by one, with me checking if their tempo is correct, starting from the best dancer in our group. When the turn went to the third friend, he could not keep the tempo right and i guess my voice tone betrayed my frustration. I also kept asking him to repeat and he kept saying that it's gonna be okay, he got it and refused to follow me, saying he'll just look at the other's movement as a guidance. Then I became more irritated.

I am sure my 4 friends realized that I was irritated because afterwards I just kept silent and just followed whatever they want to, for some time. In my silence, I calmed myself and suddenly realized that I was forcing them to learn the way I do. I was forcing them to take this thing as serious as I do. FYI, I do not really consider this cultural thing as a serious nor important thing. The problem is, I have spent considerable time on it so why wasted the time and effort? I agree with this: if something is worth doing, then it's worth doing well. I am also the kind of person who want to do my best if I have decided to do something. That is why, although it is not important, I want it to be done well. However, WHAT I'VE DONE IS WRONG in that I should not force them this way, just like I shouldn't force my students to work hard in mathematics.

It reminds me of the term reluctant learners. I have plenty of reluctant learners in my classes and from time to time I have sensed that I have been forcing them to work hard in mathematics. Being also the mentor of one science class of grade 11, I recall how frustrated I am with many reluctant learners there. These students are the better one yet they never want to give their best. Do you know what I've done? All this time, post returning home, I have been forcing them to work hard. I gave homeworks, assignment, extra work, and motivation but I failed. I fail to make them eager learners.

So what does this forcing thing have to do with differentiated instruction? Differentiated instruction is an approach where we take our students' differences into account in our teaching. Yet, what I do is forcing them to learn the way I am, and to do their best. I should have also taken their differences with ME (THE TEACHER) into account in developing lesson plans, not only differences between them (the students). This way, I'll be more happy and patient.

I still haven't done anything practical so far in this course so I'll get back to this differentiated instruction later. One thing I conclude so far, I think I should always consider the differences between me and students, regarding the learning styles, interest, and motivation, not only differences among the students.

I'll write a full reflection on Differentiated Instruction after this course ended.
P.S. I want to apologize to my 4 friends for being upset tonight. Sorry for tonight, guys.. Don't worry, I no longer care about how tomorrow night's performance will fare. Anyway,I am sure we'll do just fine. :)

Enggan, bukan takut :)

Sejak pulang dari Amsterdam September lalu sampai sekarang, saya masih juga memilih naik angkot daripada naik sepeda motor (psst,blm punya mobil pribadi). Kata ortu saya, saya kehilangan keberanian. Namun menurut saya, saya hanya enggan. He he 1. Enggan tangan belang karena malas pakai sarung tangan. 2. Enggan panas. 3. Enggan harus ekstra hati-hati,tidak ada jalur khusus motor, he he . 4. Enggan mencemari udara, motor sudah terlampau banyak. Ingin saya, transportasi publik saja yang dibaguskan.
Konsekuensi keengganan ini cukup mahal sebenarnya, mobilitas terganggu, plus ongkos lebih. Sama seperti saat sepeda rusak di Amsterdam dulu. I feel stranded.
Terlebih lagi, kendaraan umum kita kan belum terjadwal.. Jadi lebih susah, deh..
Biarpun begitu, saya masih memilih untuk enggan. :-)

Wishing for a (at least once) Happy Severus Snape

[Warning: if you haven’t read the 7th Harry Potter book and/or plan to watch the next/last movie, then avoid reading this because it contains a spoiler)

I’m on holiday and have been re-reading random parts of Harry Potter: The Deathly Hallow, for the n-th time. Yet, when I reach the part where Severus Snape died, I still screamed silently, “Nooooo! No!”. (heavy heart and teary eyes)

The thought that Snape had been always miserable in his life really makes me sad. He lacked care and attention in his family in his childhood. His love was one-sided. He lost his only friend (Lily, although it was mostly his own fault). Everyone but Dumbledore hated him and thought bad of him. He died sadly and tragicly. How can one be unhappy all one’s life? It’s not fair.

Yes, he had been evil (a death eater) before he taught in Hogwarts. But he repented, even if the reason was purely selfish. Yes, it was his own request that his protecting Harry Potter was to be kept as a secret. Nevertheless, I want him to at least have a happy moment in his life. You could not kill Snape, Ms. Rowling. Not when he never tasted any happiness in his life! And he was even no longer evil. :(

I know that Snape’s death is a plot device and that his name was in the end cleared and Harry Potter named his son after Snape. It means that every one finally knew that he was actually, let say, a brave hero. Still, it really bothers me that there is a person who was unhappy all his life. I want Snape to not die, and live in the world where people don’t hate him and start having peace.

Sigh, I don’t think I will ever stop feeling sad everytime I re-read about Snape’s end. Speaking of happiness, I end my first rant this year by wishing my self and you all a HAPPY, blessed and successful 2011.